The ACME Tribune

You are contractually required to read this, and only this.

by Niklas Moench (niklas.moench@acme.lu)

Great news received this morning from ACME Orbicom declaring the Jupiter Outpost a great success, unforeseen, but great all the same !

Our restocking ship The Royal Universe Destroyer miscalculated it's trajectory to the Plutonian Empire by following the advice of a Garmin GPS and smacked face-first into the side of Jupiter. Once the survivors commenced the dome deployment, the brave souls discovered the local wildlife to be somewhat, miserable, and the wildlife found them somewhat easy to get rid of.

But never look a gift horse in the mouth as they say on the Earth, which I have not seen for years, so is that still a thing ? Our AI Units have successfully completed the construction of the Rochelle Park Dome, albeit a bit covered in corporate space crew.

We contacted Flight Commander Håkon Dyngeland for comment, however, we interpret the frozen stare of his bodyless head to mean I am still deceased.

AI CEO Andreas Møller (andreas.moller@acme.lu) commented this morning on the news :

01001001 01110100 00100000 01110000 01101100 01100101 01100001 01110011 01100101 01110011 00100000 01101101 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110011 01100101 01100101 00100000 01110111 01100101 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01100111 01110010 01100001 01110011 01110000 01100101 01100100 00100000 01110011 01110101 01100011 01100011 01100101 01110011 01110011 00100000 01100110 01110010 01101111 01101101 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101010 01100001 01110111 01110011 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01100100 01101001 01110011 01100001 01110011 01110100 01100101 01110010 00101110

The AI speech converter is expected to be back online this afternoon.

#jupiteroutpost #newdestination #rochellepark #niklasmoench

by Mejer Aggie (mejer.aggie@acme.lu)

Company AI Units were affected by a minor glitch in the neural network during routine maintenance work at 5h36 Company Standard Time. Lead Coding Specialist Koll Kanff confirmed that there was no adverse effect on the judgement and behavioural systems of our Great AI Leaders.

As Mr Kanff took leave from reporters he, in his own clumsiness, fell down an elevator shaft repeatedly.

The Company would like to convey its thoughts to Mr Kanff's family in this difficult time.

#workplaceaccident #glitch #mejeraggie

by AI Unit Aidan Judkins (aidan.judkins@acme.lu)

L̶o̸r̸e̶m̷ ̵i̷p̵s̷u̸m̷ ̶d̴o̶l̸o̸r̵ ̶s̵i̸t̸ ̴a̵m̴e̷t̴,̸ ̵c̸o̴n̸s̵e̷c̶t̶e̵t̸u̸r̵ ̴a̴d̴i̷p̷i̴s̴c̴i̷n̴g̶ ̵e̴l̵i̸t̵.̴ ̵N̴u̷l̶l̷a̵m̴ ̴n̸e̵c̴ ̶l̸e̵o̴ ̴v̷i̷t̷a̴e̶ ̶u̸r̶n̵a̷ ̸f̸e̴r̸m̸e̴n̴t̴u̴m̵ ̵c̶o̷n̸g̴u̴e̸.̴ ̶N̶a̵m̴ ̷u̴l̴t̷r̶i̷c̸e̸s̸ ̷d̵o̵l̵o̶r̵ ̷o̶r̷c̶i̸,̸ ̷q̶u̶i̴s̴ ̷f̶e̵r̵m̶e̴n̶t̶u̶m̶ ̴t̸u̴r̴p̵i̸s̶ ̴p̵e̸l̴l̷e̶n̶t̷e̸s̵q̵u̸e̶ ̵v̶i̶t̵a̴e̴.̴ ̸D̵u̶i̷s̴ ̸o̵r̷n̵a̴r̶e̷ ̸a̵r̷c̸u̷ ̶p̸e̴l̶l̴e̶n̸t̴e̵s̴q̸u̸e̸ ̵b̶l̷a̶n̷d̸i̴t̷ ̴l̴o̸b̶o̴r̴t̷i̷s̶.̶ ̶V̶e̶s̵t̸i̵b̵u̸l̷u̷m̶ ̸e̶g̶e̴t̸ ̷l̴a̴o̷r̵e̴e̷t̶ ̶t̴o̸r̷t̵o̶r̵.̷ ̵L̵o̴r̷e̷m̷ ̸i̵p̴s̸u̵m̴ ̶d̶o̸l̴o̷r̸ ̸s̶i̷t̴ ̴a̶m̵e̷t̴,̴ ̶c̶o̴n̵s̵e̷c̷t̷e̴t̶u̷r̸ ̶a̸d̴i̸p̷i̵s̵c̵i̸n̵g̸ ̶e̴l̴i̸t̵.̵ ̵C̵u̵r̶a̵b̶i̸t̵u̷r̵ ̷l̶o̶b̵o̴r̶t̶i̵s̶ ̵n̷i̴s̷l̴ ̴i̷d̸ ̶s̸a̶p̷i̶e̷n̷ ̸v̵i̵v̶e̵r̷r̵a̴ ̷f̵a̶c̵i̴l̸i̵s̴i̵s̴.̸ ̵C̷r̴a̷s̷ ̷i̵d̷ ̷u̶l̵t̴r̴i̶c̶i̷e̶s̶ ̵e̴n̸i̶m̶,̵ ̵e̸t̶ ̴v̴e̶s̶t̷i̴b̵u̸l̵u̴m̶ ̴r̴i̶s̴u̵s̷.̶ ̶N̷u̶l̴l̸a̶m̶ ̸e̸u̷i̸s̴m̷o̸d̴ ̷a̷l̴i̴q̷u̵a̴m̷ ̶t̴e̴l̵l̷u̴s̶ ̴i̸d̸ ̴v̷e̴s̴t̷i̶b̸u̸l̸u̷m̸.̶ ̴P̶e̸l̴l̶e̸n̶t̴e̶s̷q̷u̴e̷ ̴d̴i̷g̷n̷i̴s̵s̷i̵m̶ ̷o̸r̵c̸i̵ ̶a̵r̴c̷u̵,̸ ̵q̸u̵i̵s̴ ̵s̵e̵m̷p̴e̸r̶ ̵m̸a̴s̵s̷a̸ ̵o̷r̵n̵a̵r̴e̵ ̴s̶e̸d̷.̶ ̴P̸e̷l̴l̸e̵n̶t̶e̷s̸q̶u̷e̷ ̸h̶a̶b̷i̸t̶a̸n̵t̴ ̷m̸o̷r̷b̴i̶ ̵t̷r̶i̷s̵t̵i̵q̶u̷e̵ ̸s̸e̵n̴e̸c̶t̸u̶s̶ ̶e̶t̷ ̸n̶e̸t̶u̸s̸ ̸e̴t̸ ̶m̴a̴l̵e̸s̴u̸a̷d̵a̷ ̷f̷a̵m̴e̶s̵ ̶a̸c̸ ̸t̸u̶r̶p̶i̷s̷ ̷e̵g̸e̶s̵t̶a̵s̷.̸ ̷S̸e̶d̸ ̴e̵l̴e̴i̴f̴e̵n̸d̷ ̸s̶i̷t̴ ̴a̶m̶e̴t̴ ̸e̸r̴o̷s̸ ̸a̸ ̵c̸o̶n̵s̵e̴q̸u̴a̴t̴.̶ ̷N̴u̶l̴l̵a̴ ̶u̴t̴ ̵m̷a̶g̴n̷a̸ ̶i̷n̶ ̵s̴e̸m̴ ̶f̴a̷c̷i̶l̷i̷s̶i̴s̴ ̵c̶o̸n̴s̸e̷q̶u̴a̵t̵ ̸n̷o̴n̶ ̵s̸i̸t̸ ̶a̵m̷e̵t̵ ̷a̴n̵t̶e̷.̴ ̸N̷a̸m̸ ̵t̵i̷n̶c̶i̸d̸u̸n̴t̶ ̷a̴t̷ ̴i̸p̸s̸u̷m̸ ̴s̴i̷t̸ ̷a̶m̶e̴t̴ ̴f̵e̴u̵g̷i̵a̴t̶.̸ ̴P̵r̵a̵e̸s̸e̷n̶t̶ ̵a̷ ̶n̶i̵b̵h̶ ̸a̵c̴ ̵o̴r̷c̸i̸ ̸e̸g̸e̵s̸t̴a̵s̸ ̵p̶r̴e̸t̸i̸u̴m̵ ̸p̵o̸r̸t̵a̶ ̴q̷u̴i̷s̴ ̶l̵o̸r̷e̵m̵.̶ ̶D̸o̶n̷e̶c̶ ̵n̷e̷c̷ ̶a̷r̶c̸u̷ ̵e̵u̴ ̴p̶u̵r̸u̵s̵ ̶f̸r̷i̶n̵g̸i̵l̸l̸a̴ ̴p̵h̴a̶r̵e̶t̶r̷a̸ ̶e̷g̷e̸t̶ ̸i̸n̸ ̵l̶i̵g̷u̵l̴a̸.̴ ̷ ̸N̵u̶n̵c̶ ̴u̶t̴ ̷a̸u̶g̴u̴e̸ ̸t̸i̵n̸c̵i̸d̸u̷n̷t̴,̵ ̸f̴a̶u̴c̵i̸b̷u̷s̶ ̸d̷o̷l̵o̵r̷ ̵u̶t̷,̷ ̸c̴o̴n̵d̸i̸m̷e̶n̸t̸u̷m̵ ̸n̸i̷s̶l̷.̴ ̵P̷e̵l̶l̵e̶n̵t̸e̸s̵q̷u̸e̵ ̶h̶a̶b̴i̵t̶a̴n̶t̵ ̴m̵o̷r̵b̷i̷ ̶t̵r̴i̶s̶t̵i̷q̶u̴e̵ ̷s̷e̸n̵e̴c̸t̸u̴s̸ ̸e̶t̶ ̸n̸e̵t̶u̶s̵ ̸e̸t̵ ̷m̶a̶l̴e̷s̷u̶a̴d̷a̴ ̶f̷a̷m̴e̶s̷ ̶a̸c̶ ̴t̵u̵r̶p̴i̴s̶ ̶e̵g̷e̷s̶t̵a̸s̵.̶ ̶N̷u̸l̷l̴a̴ ̴f̵a̵c̸i̸l̷i̸s̸i̷.̸ ̸E̵t̵i̶a̷m̶ ̴p̸h̵a̷r̶e̵t̴r̵a̸ ̶v̸i̵v̶e̴r̴r̶a̷ ̷p̸u̷r̵u̷s̶ ̴s̷e̸d̶ ̴e̶g̷e̶s̶t̵a̶s̸.̸ ̷N̶a̴m̷ ̵u̷l̵t̴r̵i̸c̷i̸e̵s̵ ̵s̴u̸s̷c̷i̷p̴i̸t̵ ̴d̵o̵l̵o̴r̶ ̶s̴e̷d̴ ̷p̸o̷r̵t̶a̵.̷ ̶V̴e̷s̴t̵i̴b̷u̷l̴u̴m̸ ̶n̸e̵c̴ ̵s̷a̷p̷i̷e̴n̷ ̸n̵o̸n̶ ̸n̴u̷n̷c̶ ̴p̴r̵e̷t̵i̶u̵m̵ ̷i̸m̸p̵e̶r̴d̵i̸e̴t̶ ̷a̵ ̷u̶t̸ ̵l̸a̶c̸u̵s̴.̸ ̷S̴e̶d̴ ̶t̷e̷m̶p̸o̸r̷,̵ ̶l̸a̶c̴u̴s̷ ̵q̶u̶i̴s̴ ̴h̸e̷n̴d̸r̸e̶r̴i̸t̸ ̶v̷e̸n̸e̷n̸a̶t̷i̴s̶,̴ ̶m̴a̵g̷n̴a̵ ̶m̷a̵g̷n̴a̴ ̴u̷l̵t̶r̸i̵c̵e̸s̴ ̷e̵r̷a̷t̵,̸ ̴v̵i̷t̴a̴e̷ ̷c̷o̵n̸v̵a̴l̴l̶i̸s̸ ̷l̵a̶c̸u̸s̷ ̷l̴i̷b̷e̸r̸o̶ ̵a̸ ̷j̵u̸s̴t̶o̶.̶ ̷P̶r̷o̷i̶n̷ ̷f̷e̵r̴m̵e̴n̴t̵u̷m̶ ̵i̵a̶c̷u̴l̵i̷s̸ ̷t̷o̶r̴t̶o̵r̴ ̴a̶ ̴v̶u̶l̴p̶u̶t̵a̵t̴e̵.̷

#error #kernalerror #fatalerror #aicorruption #aidanjudkins

by Na Hsiao (na.hsiao@acme.lu)

While ACME tends to wisely avoid certain markets and instead focuses on more viable industries or a particular business need with low-ratio bribery to ensure investors may continue to squander their wealth on important things, like that 15th Yacht or burying that time when you were 19 and just needed the money.

Our righteous AI CEO Andreas Møller (andreas.moller@acme.lu) has computed the need to acquire one particular business in the US.

After a brief failed negotiation, leading up to a hostile takeover that decimated three city blocks, turning a once picturesque neighbourhood into a burning heap and leading to several complaints from the HOA, ACME is proud to announce the acquisition of Loretta J. Blankenship's Lemonade Stand on the corner of Main and Hepburn Street.

Unfortunately, after signing the contracts, Loretta J. Blankenship or her mother Mary K. Blankenship have requested the media do not contact them and respect their privacy.

At the time of writing the Blankenship's phone numbers have been changed, their cars missing, and their home boarded up. Neighbours report hearing screams from the house and a van driving away in the night, but thought nothing was awry.

#lemonade #hostiletakeover #hoa #nahsiao

by Niklas Moench (niklas.moench@acme.lu)

During the daily pre-recorded and corporate pre-approved Prime Ministers Questions in the Plutonian Empire Parliamentary Dome, beloved Prime Minister Tatiana Ermakova prior to responding to the question posed by His Honourable Member of Parliament Blair E. Coleman, was struck with a mild disagreement with a Martian grown potato she had at lunch earlier that day.

As a courtesy, The ACME Omnipresent Interstellar Corporate Conglomeration ceased the stream on Orbicom's News Network.

Rumours of a widespread discord by the lower Plutonian classes from the Hammanskraal and Florianopolis Domes have been confirmed as pure nonsense and nothing more by Region 6 Police Chief Berislava Petrović.

However, Ms Petrović was also keen to point out that The Regional Technical Command was able to repair the faulty airlocks that discharged precisely 51 residents of Hammanskraal Dome and 38 residents of Florianopolis Dome the same day.

We expect a further statement from the Plutonian Empire's Technical Overseer Mr Masumi Taniguchi in response to a series of similar malfunctions in neighbouring domes over the past two Corporate Standard days, within the Corporate Standard week.

#plutonianempire #hammanskraal #florianopolis #niklasmoench

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